Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

awesome draft from months ago i just found

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!