Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

⚰

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.