Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Happy weekend !

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Erm…

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

no exceptions

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears