Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
ACED my prostate exam!
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Denise please return my vape pen
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?