just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
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There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
accurate
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.