just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
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My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃