just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
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[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
A bold strategy
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*