Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”