Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen