Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

The French word for sex is croissant.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

Dumple

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.