Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
bears
