Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now