Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).