just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[eats all your cotton candy]
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I’ll be mad as hell!
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If only.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha