Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

Just had my nails done!

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.