Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.