Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.