Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know