Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”