Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
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[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
become ungovernable
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse