Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

BRO LMFAO

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.