Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.