Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.