Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My first son he is wonderful
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.