Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
“I FIXED IT!”
