Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

I can’t be the only one 😂

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

doing your own taxes

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.