Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]