Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
You Might Also Like
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
