Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.