Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
🙀🙀🙀😹
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT