Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
This is I, Robot all over again
