Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.