Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?