Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
This meeting could have been a cake
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
🌱🌱🌱
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…