just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries