Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed