just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”