Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

there’s music for literally every activity

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.