Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?