just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
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My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
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me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Harsh but fair
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.