Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

You’ll be OK

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

When your diet is finally over.

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

A friend helps you before you need it

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.