Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
getting seasonal up in here
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*