Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Blew my mind.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
