Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
😏😏😏
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
