Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Monday?
No. Next question.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
titanic
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
