Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Put the is in disheveled
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
hmmmmmm
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
School be like
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
