Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.