Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

what’s more important?

Best seat on the street 😍

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor