Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
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My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Lassie, get help!
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
What kind of a cult is this?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.