Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
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Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate