Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
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“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
All is fair in drunk and war.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it