Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
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cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”![]()
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet