Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
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I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Cinematography is my passion
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family