Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

Yes 😂

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.