Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please