With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
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She’s got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won’t quit.
Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
what do i do next
A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.
Thank you, Internet.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile