Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

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With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.


She’s got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won’t quit.

Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.


FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood


My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.


Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.


My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.


A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.


ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile