Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water