Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
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Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
rebranding
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.