Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
how was your vacation
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?