Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
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Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Nice try, NASA
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
