Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
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My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Better luck next time champ
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
