Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
We decided to have money instead of children.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”