just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
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[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.