Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists