Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.