Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
learning about math 🧐 📝
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert