Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.