Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?