Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”