Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

😆

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*